200ytt, Yoga

First day jitters

**this is a repost from June 30, 2015**

Today I taught my first BodhiFlow class. This felt new compared to the classes I once taught. It felt more prescribed but at the same time much less stressful because the sequence is already there. The feelings of anxiety surrounding my ego as a teacher was lost to the yoga. It was no longer about me and truly, it never was.

Let’s backup for a minute. It is NOT at all in my nature to repeat a sequence over and over. In fact, I don’t think I have ever taught the same class twice. However, having a reliable and flexible flow has become a great control study for me. Each day that I explore the Bodhi flow I cue myself differently based on where I am that day. We have all heard the quote from Einstein about insanity: “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Well, then I support that yoga is insane and that is mostly due to it requiring a present state of mind. As long as time continues to float us forward, repetition is never without value. We are different every second of the day and those repetitions are, honestly, what keep us grounded and in-check. How are we able to self reflect? By observing progress. Progression. Growth. Acknowledging where we were versus where we are.

Now let’s side step. I have always wondered about my abilities to break habit. As awful as this sounds, my need to fulfill some habits dwarf my self-respect sometimes. The line between want and need becomes too thin and priorities are tossed when the panic of needing to fulfill a habit flushes my will. Finally, the twisted satisfaction of what has become a distant pleasure drenches my lack of self-respect and the habit continues.

This might seem like a diversion from the first topic above but really, it was a small side step to shed light on one of the underlying reasons why I have not taught the same class. Ever. My NEED to provide a new sequence and experience every day. My NEED to prove my creativity and knowledge through variety has provided more of a repetitious experience than repeating the same sequence would have provided! Why? Because the growth is fragmented. I honestly believe my students would appreciate and acknowledge their growth if they were to repeat the same thing over and over again because they would achieve different results. Enter my habitual ego: need to be creative, have a wide knowledge base, need to be fresh. When all of that happens yoga just becomes a class where we move.

I see where my habits need to shift. I see where my insanity needs to deepen. I see the a-ha moments but I cannot yet quite see if I need to step side ways or backwards to get there.

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